// Three cheers to mental masturbation://

Mental masturbation is casually bandied about as a pejorative. But what, precisely, does it mean?

Well, presumably when you mentally masturbate, your thinking is not productive or practical. Just as certain prudish people would have us abstain from the unproductive ways of onanism, those who would censor “mental masturbation” believe thoughts should make something. Like semen, thoughts should be put to use.

To me, thinking is a practice in and of itself and hence is inherently practical. Thinking is a kind of doing such as, say, running. It’s an activity. Unless we say that running is physical masturbation as it’s not practical. After all, you’re not running to get anywhere such as the book store.

The runner might retort that his running makes him more physically fit which, in turn, makes him happier and healthier. In that sense, running is a practical activity.

But couldn’t I say the same thing about thinking? Maybe I’m not trying to solve a problem but I’m making myself smarter and therefore healthier and happier. Oh, and the endorphins! Good mental masturbation is a great natural high.

And then there’s the fact that thinking makes connections between things and, in so doing, creates the world. So when people are sitting quietly thinking on their own and not trying to solve a problem per se — when they are mentally friggin’ themselves — they are making novel connections in the universe, creating new possibilities of life. And what, I ask, is more productive than that?

So maybe that’s not what people mean when they use mental masturbation pejoratively because that would just be silly and, alas, stupid. Maybe it’s not the mental aspect at all that is the source of the insult. Maybe it’s the articulation of the thinking.

For example, In class, I’d sometimes find myself following a peculiar line of thought that had occurred to me mid-lecture. It’s not because what I was thinking was so startlingly smart. It was usually because my thinking had turned rather idiosyncratic — it was a train of thinking of my own making, decipherable to no one else, more or less. But this line of thinking would have an odd kind of allure, seducing me, enticing me: Come hither, it’d whisper in a throaty whisper, and I would. (I laugh…)

Now, this is often a supremely pleasurable thing to do: to follow an idea into strange territory, making bold — if,  at times, stupid — leaps of logic. But talking about it to others quickly becomes not just strange, annoying, and pedantic. It becomes obscene. Ergo, mental masturbation. (and I laugh again)

In this case, the crime of mental masturbation is akin to the crime of so-called TMI — divulging too much personal information in a social setting. It’s a matter of etiquette. But continuing to call it mental masturbation is anti-intellectualism, the ploy of the dim witted. And it gives one of my favorite activities a bad name. Ha Ha

So I’m taking back mental masturbation from the anti-intellectuals. I think alone and for pleasure, dammit, and I’m proud!

This has been a product of mental masturbation

// Twenty-two things I’ve learned in my twenties.//

1. You can’t date a jerk and expect to turn them into a good person. Jerks are fully committed to being unpleasant. Those brief moments of tenderness they give you are designed to trip you up and give you false hope. It’s best to stay away altogether.
2. You’re going to lose touch with a lot of your friends. With some people, it will be expected but with others it will feel like a punch to the stomach. No friendship is truly safe in your twenties. You’re undergoing so many personal and professional changes that there’s bound to be some casualties along the way. Don’t worry though. You’ll end up with the ones that matter. If someone’s no longer in your life, it’s for a reason.
3. You’ll be jealous of everyone who’s more successful than you. That’s okay. Just transfer that jealousy into something productive, like working really hard so you can one day eclipse them and make them feel jealous of YOU.
4. You’ll question every decision you make and never feel completely certain that you made the right choice. It’s pointless to wonder though. You’re here now so you might as well make it be the right decision.
5. You’re going to give your heart to a few people who don’t deserve it. Then, one day you’ll come to your senses and ask them to give it back.
6. You’ll have a boss who makes you feel like you’re nothing. It doesn’t have to be in a Devil Wears Prada way. The cruelty can be much more subtle. Don’t let them get to you though. They have no idea who the hell you really are and you’re probably going to have their job someday so…
7. You’re going to puke in public. It’s fine. No one cares. Just puke.
8. You’ll know how to make twenty dollars last an entire week because you spent almost all of your paycheck on groceries at Whole Foods and drunk cab rides. This lesson in frugality will serve you well.
9. You’re going to betray your convictions. You’re going to feel shame. You’re going to continue to put yourself in situations that aren’t good for you. And then, slowly but surely, it will become less frequent. It might not ever go away completely but it won’t be as bad. In the meantime, stop shame spiraling about it. It gets you nowhere.
10. Loving yourself is hard. Hating yourself is harder.
11. You’re going to hook up with someone who you would never touch in the daylight sober. Just don’t freak out too much about it. Consider it to be your good deed for the day.
12. You’re going to have people in your life who are toxic. They may say that they love you, they may say that they have your back, but they don’t. Get rid of them.
13. You’ll have moments with someone that are intense, it’ll feel like you’ve been electrocuted back to life. You’ll hold on to these moments for a long time. They’ll give you hope when you’re going through the motions.
14. You’ll enter your twenties as a fashion disaster and (hopefully) leave them looking fantastic. If you don’t know how to put yourself together by then, I really don’t know what to tell you.
15. You’ll realize that the Internet can be a cruel son of a bitch but, you know, www.whatever.com.
16. So much of what you think matters, doesn’t actually matter at all. It’s kind of rude. Like, thanks for making me believe in things that are ultimately so inconsequential, you jerk.
17.  You’ll treat someone terribly. Whether it to be a lover or your friend, there’ll be someone whose feelings you take for granted. We focus too much on whether or not someone is hurting us. The reality is that we might actually be the one who’s hurting someone.
18. You’ll always care about your first love. That doesn’t make you crazy, it just makes you human. When relationships end, it’s not so cut and dry.
19. Doing “grown-up things” doesn’t make you a grown up. Shopping for housewares, buying a plant, embracing domesticity — these things don’t create maturity. If you’re still a baby who hasn’t figured things out, you’ll remain a baby, no matter how many times you pay your rent on time.
20. You are so lucky to have everything that you have. Stop crying about an unreturned text message and get some perspective.
21. To move forward you must let the past be the past. Not the now or the future.
22. Don’t go too long without having sex. Ever.

// I’m trying not to spend too much time…//

christianaaa:

thinking about things that’ve already happened:

what I could’ve done differently; how I could’ve responded, processed, and analyzed the situation better; other ways I could’ve felt, etc.

Because I have to remember that it’s already happened. What ever’s out there, is out there permanently… and all you can do is move forward from it.

After all, dwelling on the past will drive you to much madness.